You knew I was being molested repeatedly. You knew.
You really thought you were protecting me with your attempts to catch him in the act. You believed you were minimizing his access to me, to my little body. I did not feel protected. I actually felt terrified. I wondered what would happen if you actually caught him in the act. What you would have done if you actually saw with your own eyes what he would do to me. Not only was I afraid of him and powerless over what he was doing and how far he would go, I was also afraid of you and what you would attempt to do to him if you actually caught him. I was also afraid of what you would do to me if you caught him. But you never caught him, did you?
When you came barreling down the hallway busting into my room asking him what he was doing there, did you really believe he was checking the locks on my bedroom window in the middle of the night? Did you really believe him when he said he thought he heard a noise coming from outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night? Why didn't you ever ask me what he was doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night? I would have been scared but I would have told you the truth. Why did you just go back to bed? How did you not see his hands covered in Vasoline and his zipper down? How did that look like checking for burglars attempting to pry my window open? I never knew good sleep between age four and sixteen.
I always wondered if this would have been completely different if I was not a foster child first and then later adopted. I wondered if I was a biological daughter if this would have been different, if this would have been happening at all. Maybe this is why yall never had any biological children. Nine miscarriages and two stillborn seems like a sign from God, an actual loud and clear message. You knew he was a pedophile and you still wanted to parent wit him?
We talked bout this so much and I have so many unanswered questions. How is it that we talked about this so much and I have so many unanswered questions? Oh wait. I know. Whenever we talked about me being molested you blamed me. You would launch into your molestation story and how it is the woman's job to tell the man yes or no. I was a child though!
Don't little Black girls get to be little girls ever?