After being in several foster homes all I wanted more than anything in the world was a family of my own. I knew about my mother and my big brother and big sister. I wished for them all the time. Then it became clear to me that I would never go back to them for good. I just wanted a to belong in a family that loved and wanted me. I would have given anything for that and I did. Family secrets destroy honest, authentic family connections. My entire childhood was filled with family secrets that I had too keep in order to not ruin the family I had waited so long for. It was clear to me that this would be as good as it would ever get for me and I needed to make the best of it.
It was always made clear to me that what threatened to ruin the family would be me speaking my truth, not what that truth actually was. I was so desperate for a family of my own and to be wanted I would have done anything to hold onto it. If I had to sell my innocence, keep secrets, have nightmares, never have a good night sleep it all seemed like a small price to pay. As an adult I feel the price was way too high. It was not a fair deal at all.
My adopted parents and I had an unspoken agreement. They wanted a daughter. I wanted a loving home with parents that loved me. The deal was that as long as I kept all the secrets, presented well in public, and really played my part as the perfect daughter I would be provided with a believable fantasy family. I played my part very well all the way up until their last breaths. Did I get what I bargained for? As long as I remained in denial ignoring and keeping secrets it seemed like it. Now that the fantasy is over and I am facing my truths head on it doesn’t seem like it at all. I am forced to learn that love is not a bargaining tool or a commodity to be exchanged. It is so foreign to me that someone can love you just because you exist, just because you are your unique self.