Righteous Deals and Sacred Agreements

​After being in several foster homes all I wanted more than anything in the world was a family of my own. I knew about my mother and my big brother and big sister. I wished for them all the time. Then it became clear to me that I would never go back to them for good. I just wanted a to belong in a family that loved and wanted me. I would have given anything for that and I did. Family secrets destroy honest, authentic family connections. My entire childhood was filled with family secrets that I had too keep in order to not ruin the family I had waited so long for. It was clear to me that this would be as good as it would ever get for me and I needed to make the best of it. 

​It was always made clear to me that what threatened to ruin the family would be me speaking my truth, not what that truth actually was. I was so desperate for a family of my own and to be wanted I would have done anything to hold onto it. If I had to sell my innocence, keep secrets, have nightmares, never have a good night sleep it all seemed like a small price to pay. As an adult I feel the price was way too high. It was not a fair deal at all.
My adopted parents and I had an unspoken agreement. They wanted a daughter. I wanted a loving home with parents that loved me. The deal was that as long as I kept all the secrets, presented well in public, and really played my part as the perfect daughter I would be provided with a believable fantasy family. I played my part very well all the way up until their last breaths. Did I get what I bargained for? As long as I remained in denial ignoring and keeping secrets it seemed like it. Now that the fantasy is over and I am facing my truths head on it doesn’t seem like it at all. I am forced to learn that love is not a bargaining tool or a commodity to be exchanged. It is so foreign to me that someone can love you just because you exist, just because you are your unique self.