I found him!
On May 10th, 2019 I found my birth father. I was determined to find him dead or alive. My whole life I was given different stories about him. I did not know what to believe. I was so tired of wondering and not knowing. Because of having an adopted father I wondered about my birth father but my wondering was fleeting. After the death of my adopted father the fleeting wondering became much more intense and constant.
Through DNA testing I found my birth father and his family. He is deceased. I will never speak to him, hug him, or hold his hand but I am so happy to know his name, have his picture, and be able to talk to his sister (my aunt) about him. I am so happy!
All people come from 2 parents and not knowing caused me to question my very humanity. I often believed I came from the same egg as Mork on the 80's sitcome Mork and Mindy. I have always known my birth mother and not being able to get a clear answer from her about my birth father had always been sadening, angering and disappointing. Before I took the DNA test I told her I what I had planned to do. I told her "I will find him, dead or alive"! She did not seem to be upset by this and when I told her I had found his family she seemed happy that I was happy.
Now that I am slowly trying to get to know birth father (through stories from his family) I feel a sense of wholeness and completeness I have never felt before.