Recently I learned a new term, cosmic loneliness. I first heard this term in the Same Race Adoptee Group that I facilitate monthly. I looked it up because something about it resonated with me.
"...Further types of loneliness include existential loneliness, cosmic loneliness - feeling alone in a hostile universe, and cultural loneliness - typically found among immigrants who miss their home culture"...
After reading this definition the term resonated less. I don't feel alone in a hostile universe. Feeling alone in an indifferent universe is a bit more accurate.
On paper I have lots of friends and family but only on paper, not in real life. My adopted father was the youngest of 12 so that meant a ton of cousins. But I had no close relationship with any of them. Once my adopted parents passed away I have no relationship at all with them. In my adopted family there were 6 children. As an adult I had maintained a connection with one adopted brother and one foster sister. Now at 47 years old it seems as if those connections have vanished. My biological mother had 7 children. Despite my best efforts I have not been able to really bond or connect with them. I recently did dna testing to find my biological father. I now know who he was and have met some relatives through social media. Through the dna testing I was connected with other members of my biological mother's family as well. We have a monthly family zoom in an attempt to get to know each other and that has been nice. It is really hard on me to reach out to relatives that are unresponsive. It really breaks my heart. It breaks my heart and almost brings me to tears. Other folks might be able to brush it off and keep it moving but I am heart broken and feeling rejected. Every morning I send a sweet Good Morning text to my "family" but get responses from a few but not everybody. It makes me sad and never want to reach out to any of them every again. Then the next morning I try again. I try to remind myself to go where the joy is. Don't be sad for the folks that don't want to be around me but to be happy for the ones that do. It is so hard to do when it feels like there really are not any that do. My partner does want to be around me. I worry about how hard it is on her to be the only one or just one of 2 people. My bff wants to be around me but she lives in another state. It is hard to be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. When you are a foster child you are told in more ways than one that you were not wanted and you should be grateful for anyone giving you the time of day. I worked so hard to look for proof that people liked me for me and not just what I can to do for them for so long to have this feeling triggered again. I stopped saying yes out of obligation or to earn love, acceptance, or being liked. Then I get to see who is still around and it aint that many folks. People often say I rather have one real friend that many fake ones. They never mention how having one real friend can actually be a job for that one real friend. It is also a job on us to pace and be careful not to over burden or drain that one real friend.